Dear Lily: 2013 Addition

Dear Lily,

I am giving you these words shortly after your 6th birthday.  At age 6, you are smart, funny, sassy, girly, and struggling to absorb and practice all the lessons that take a lifetime to learn - to share, to be generous, to love, to focus on the things we can't see, instead of the things we have.  You love all things pink and sparkly, but you also are intrigued by spiders, soccer, and all animals.  You adore your best friends - Bailey, Anna, Elijah, and Molly.  You thrive on the magic of stories and myth - currently, pixies/fairies and unicorns are the stuff of your imagination.  You switched schools this year and are almost reading.  You just started ballet, love fashion (your own), and you LOVE your friends.

It has been an arduous journey for me to 1. acknowledge who you are and 2. nurture the things in you that are different from me.  I think I am doing a good job; I hope and pray everyday that I am doing a good job.  Your dad and I get comments all the time: "Are you SURE this is your daughter?" or "I'm not sure about the DNA here..."  It's all in good fun.  I adore the little girl that you are and have learned SO much from the process of affirming your selfhood in the same way that I want to be affirmed. You are, quite simply, the love of my life.  In your 6th year, we are very connected and I am so grateful that I get to be your mom.   

This year has held some life-altering changes for our family.  We have talked to you about what is happening between your dad and I by using the vocabulary of "changes."  You know that things are shifting and you seem to be aware that your dad doesn't sleep at our house anymore.  We haven't used the vocabulary of divorce yet and you haven't been to where your dad lives.  Dad and I are trying to be SO intentional about doing things the best way possible and to keep what is best for you as our first priority.

Sometimes we disagree about what is best for you and our own desires get confused with your best interests, but at the end of the day, we are doing our best.  It is our deepest fear that this will scar you for life, as our dominant culture tries to make us believe.  However, we both know success stories from divorced families and also emotionally stunted individuals from two-parent families.  I think it's more about how we choose to love each other during this process.

Someday, when you are older, I will share more and more with you of your dad and I's story.  It's a really sad story, in a lot of ways.  But the thing that trumps everything - all the heartbreak and sadness - is YOU.  You were worth all of this.  You ARE worth all of this. 

That's the most important thing - that you understand how loved you are and for you to be able to grow into who you are with the support of your mom and dad as emotionally healthy humans.  I think we are both going to be better people in the long run.

But that doesn't mean this hasn't been the hardest thing I have ever experienced.  Breaking apart something that was supposed to be permanent is an immensely painful, heartbreaking process.  Your dad and I don't agree on many things and we deal with issues in different ways.  We even narrate this story in completely different ways.  Both ways are true.  We are both just doing our best.

It is important for you to know that your dad and I are not opposing forces.  We are both here, for you and for each other.   Others have entered into this situation with the common view that we have to be against each other.  But don't listen to that mindset - we choose to live in a different way.  We try our best to live in a different way.  We do our best.  I hope you grow up with that understanding.

And I hope you know that neither your dad or I are "bad" humans.  We both made mistakes, treated each other badly, and we both, willingly, accept 50% of the blame for our marriage failing.  This is our truth.  It's easier to name a villain and treat that person in a way that is the opposite of love, but I hope that your dad and I are showing the young you that it doesn't have to be this way.  This scenario is applicable in so many areas of life - you can use this lesson at any time: to choose love in the face of the "easier" route of finger-pointing and hate.  But non-love eats you up Lil, I want you to know that.  Love is always the better choice, even though it requires more effort.  I hope that when you look back, you will see that Dad and I are trying to demonstrate this, in real life, in one of the hardest situations imaginable. 

You are so, SO loved.  Everything I do is about you.  Our family is still a family, we are just putting ourselves together in a different shape. 

As you get older, we will be able to share more about this time and navigate the difficulty of divorce together.  I just want you to know that we are doing our very best.  I hope you can learn something about love from this brokenness and maybe something about how to treat people from this journey.  Please know that I am doing the best I can, even though I fail sometimes.

So, round-faced, laughing, jumping, boy-crazy daughter of mine, this is my gift to you, for later.  I want you to be able to see my heart from the distance of time.  I want to share with you and anyone else who reads this blog what I want you to know. God is love and we are the tangible expressions of that love.

Love,
Mom

special

A few days before the big day, I took Lily on a birthday shopping trip to the mall.  (Yes, the mall...the things we do for our children...)  Our mission was specifically to locate fairy wings that she could wear to her party.  We got dressed up and called it a date :) 

Special memories...

dear lily: kindergarten edition

Dear Lily,

Tomorrow you go to your first day of Kindergarten.  Seems pretty simple when I write it that way - tomorrow you go to Kindergarten for the first time.  A public school for the first time.  An almost entire day away from us, for the first time.  A classroom full of strangers, for the first time.

Really, we've been through this before - I mean, when you started preschool, I had a really hard time.  But then, it was SO great that I loved it for BOTH of us.  I know it will be the same with kindergarten in my head, but my heart is so sad and anxious about leaving you there tomorrow until 2.  (You better believe my phone is fully charged, in case you need me to come get you. You will probably need me to come get you early, right?  Maybe 10ish?  Deal.)

And I fear the years that come after kindergarten as you grow bigger and bigger and farther and farther away from us.   You are fearful of losing me right now and make sure every day, multiple times, that you won't ever have another mommy, that you don't ever have to live in a different house with someone else.  I tell you all the things you want and need to hear, because the truth is, I need to be comforted in that way, too. 

Anyways, your dad and I are a wreck.  I wanted to tell you about this, because we both find it humorous, amidst all these crazy emotions.  His angst about you beginning kindergarten turned into irrational anger today, in a funny way.  For example, he was raving about writing "strongly-worded letters" to the elementary school about not giving us enough information about what your day would be like.  He wanted to know what time you were going to be eating lunch and was absolutely worried to death that you might not have enough time to eat your whole meal.  (You ARE an exceptionally slow eater.)  And where are the bathroom in relationship to her classroom?!? Why don't we know these things?!?

As for me, I've been weepy all day.  I cried this morning after our "last summer cuddle" in bed after we woke up.  This is silly because it's not really our last cuddle.   We did lots of fun things today - like errands.  The highlight (not surprisingly, since errands included the Post Office, bank, and a trip to ETSU) was that your mother participated in the age-old therapy of shopping.  AND, I bought shoes AND a dress.  You jumped A LOT.   I even bought you fast food today, in a completely unnecessary situation, just to completely spoil you.  We shared a fresh-squeezed strawberry lemonade too.  And a vegan chocolate chip scone.  It's the little things.

After dinner tonight, we walked to J's Corner for some ice cream - you pranced the whole way.  Your dad and I started worrying that we hadn't taught you enough - that you wouldn't know the answers to important questions - and started quizzing you on your address and, phone number, etc.  Then, we realized you didn't know what a ZERO was....  We freaked out for a minute, but then we realized we were just a wreck and laughed.  You didn't get it, but knew it had something to do with a zero.

You're really excited and you've been telling everyone you see that you are starting kindergarten.  This morning you saw our sweet elderly neighbor, Ms. Jean, outside and ran out the front door to tell her "tomorrow I am starting kindergarten!"  Then you ran back inside while she was still replying.

I think you're most excited about the lunch we packed this afternoon.  We went to the store and you got to pick out what you wanted, within reason.  You chose a turkey and cheese sandwich, a plum, Annie's cheddar bunnies, and Gummies for dessert.  It was SO exciting to pack your lunch - you even checked on it in the fridge before bed.  

Oh, and picking out your first day of school outfit was super-fun too.  Grandma will LOVE this.  You chose a perfect summer ensemble - a deep red, heavy velvet winter/Christmas dress with a semi-matching black velvet sweater, but "don't worry mom, I will take off the sweater as soon as I get to school!"  I decided that whatever made you feel confident was fine with me.  So off to the first day of school we go, in full winter/holiday garb and flip-flops. 

You understand it's going to be different and fun and that you will get to make new friends. You're a bit nervous, but mostly excited.  Your dad and I are the ones that are a wreck.  He's thinking of calling in sick in the morning so he can come drop you off and I'm planning to sit in the car outside the school all day and cry my eyes out.  I might take a book in case my tears run out, but we'll see. 

I told a friend today that it feels like I am giving you to the world.  She responded: You are giving her the world.   It's all in the way we see things.  We know you will be fine.  Dad and I will be fine too.  It's just the making it through tomorrow and being confident that when I let go of your hand that you will just be your wonderful self.  

We are so proud of you, our little kindergartner.

love, mom (and dad)

Happy Mother's Day!

 

So proud to be the daughter of  one and the mother of the other one!

Happy Mothers Day to all the amazing women in our lives: Grandma, Granny, Meemaw, Grandma Betty, and ALL OF YOU!!!

article

Every now and then, I will come across an article that I want to share with Lily's blog readers. Some of you are family and friends who play a part in bringing up our daughter and others of you have daughters of your own. This article is about how we, as parents, dress our little girls. This is an issue that I am very passionate about. From a young age - like now - we can teach our daughter that she is intelligent, funny, worthy, valuable....and beautiful. Already.

This article reminded me to be conscious of the messages I give Lily about beauty and value. Click here to read the article: "Parents, don't dress your girls like tramps". (love the title!)

On a lighter note, those of you who know Lily well can appreciate that really, our role in dressing her is very, VERY small. What we can do is be thoughtful about what we put in her closet! So far, so good!

Mean Mama

I felt so mean at this moment, not because I let her cry (she was throwing a fit about something...), but because I took pictures! I think it was totally worth it :)

So Good to be HOME

During the seven years of our marriage, Jeremy and I have been thinking a lot about what "home" means. Is it the place where you spent your formative years growing up? The place where you go back to visit your family? An area that you love and have good memories? Is it simply...the space where you live? I know we all have different interpretations of what home is to us.

We also have been influenced greatly by our favorite author/poet/activist Wendell Berry, who writes in the novel Hannah Coulter,

"I think he gave up the idea that there is a better place somewhere else. There is no 'better place' than this, not in this world. And it is by the place we've got, and our love for it and our keeping of it, that this world is joined to heaven."

Jeremy and I chose to move to northeast Tennessee three and a half years ago because we wanted to live here. This area, where we spent four years in college, called us back and, in hindsight, it seemed to call us home. Since our return, we have been on a tedious journey of figuring out why and how to stay...and how to explain this surity that we belong here to others?

Many of you have probably already heard the news: Jeremy got a job offer from Indian Trail Middle School in Johnson City last week! We consider it NO less than a miracle. Our gratitude, peace, and relief is overwhelming. I won't attempt to describe it to you.

And so, for now, it seems that we are finally home.

We do love it here. We love the mountains, the foothills, the moving water and lakes, the surrounding community, our church, the weather, the red dirt, the friends we have made and the friends we have kept, the regional music, the farming culture, the academic culture, and sometimes we are even amused by the redneck culture. (To name a few...)

This place is ours. This is the place "we've got." This is our home.

Will we live here for the next ten years? I don't know. Will our daughter develop a southern accent and begin lengthening one syllable words to two syllables? I don't know. Will we always feel this way about East TN? ...don't know. Will our pace of life slow down and adapt to the slower, more intentional culture that surrounds us? Will we begin to have lengthy, heartfelt conversations at the checkout counter in the grocery store? Will start spending our days off at "the lake" with flotation devices, coolers of soft drinks, and bags of Doritos? Will we adorn our vehicles with Nascar paraphenalia and allow the mufflers to rot off? Will we be ok if all those things DO come to pass? Absolutely. (Maybe not the muffler part...)

Our daughter was born here and we are all three excited to continue to grow up here. The roots that we have been growing have been kept shallow, until now, because we just didn't know for sure that we could stay. And now, with a feeling of being truly "joined to heaven" I can gratefully say...

It's so good to be home.

________________________________________________

Here is a (poor) video of the song from which I stole the title of this post. It is by the Everybodyfields, a local band, and this song is about living in East TN. The lyrics are posted below since they are a bit garbled in the video. Enjoy.




I was sick about the time we hit Virginia,
I had tombstones down both sides of my face.
Driving all night home from Boston,
I was so tired of being away.
Thinking about summer time and heat waves
And a town, it hardly ever snows,
Hitting apples with a baseball bat in August,
That's where I want to go...
So good to be home.

Well sidewalks down here, they go forever
and they always seem to meet you with a smile.
If they don't park the cars out where they shouldn't
I believe you can see clear for a mile.
Well there's a tree on Maple St., it turns so yellow,
it turns lose the leaves; the ground, it turns to gold.
My car, it always knows what gear to be in
and my feet can always take me home.
So good to be home.

Well the lights here, they can spin the head of a young man
into thinking that the whole town loves you.
But your heart is not protected from the city
it might help to get you through.
Well the downtown has given me some problems
and we've all had some growing up to do,
walking on cars and across the tops of buildings,
I think that God was probably laughing too.
So good to be home...

Down the street my neighbor's son is walking,
the north side is getting bigger all the time.
I owe the girl down at the library some money,
she says she's just gonna let it slide.
In my mind every single day is sunny,
it's so bright it almost hurts my eyes to see.
When the rain is pouring out over the gutters,
thank the lord just to be here in Tennessee.
So good to be home...

Half a mile now from the border,
half a mile just to roll my windows down.
Sitting, staring at the windshield,
telling myself "not too much further now".
I call David up to see what he is doing
and I pass him as he's getting in his car.
Down the road and take a right down State of Franklin
and we'll spend the night away down at the bar.
So good to be home...

Mother's Day '09

Song for Lily

You might have noticed that this blog serves many purposes:

1. It is a means for family and friends, near and far, to watch Lily grow up. In an era where we are all distant geographically from one another, I want to share with you the adventure of us, being a family. We have relatives on the west coast (hi Wagner-Rubins and McFadzeans!), Illinois and Missouri (hi Walkers, Waltzers, and Chapins!), Michigan (hi Hauers and Nance!), southern Florida (hi McKays and Jarretts!), friends in Asia (hi Anne Marie!) and Central America (hi Johnstons!), and many other assorted family and friends all over the US (SC, KY, NC, TN, OH...) - cant mention everyone of course - who check this blog on a regular basis...

2. It is my "baby book". I'm not a scrap-booker, or crafty, or anything whatever. So this blog serves to record Lily's milestones and day-to-day life.

3. It is a creative outlet for me. I love taking pictures with my simple camera and sharing them with you.

4. It will be for Lily (and possibly other future children). I hope that when she is older, she will be able to look back at this blog and watch herself grow up.

So, adult Lily, this song reminded me of you and how I want our relationship to continue to be.

Food Struggles! (Lily has an Opinion!)

I think most parents are celebrating this time, when their infant is ready for table food. Lily is nearly DONE with baby food - as in she usually refuses to eat it. Some would say that it is past time for her to be with pureed food in general, but Jeremy and I have had a hard time letting it go because up until this point, she has had mostly whole (pureed) and organic foods! I made her food for a while, but switched over to jars earlier this summer. Now we are realizing that she can -and has been able to for a few wks- eat what we eat!

But we dont want her to!! Jeremy and I do eat healthier than some (and less healthy than others) and even though we try to avoid stuff that is processed, genetically modified, heavily preserved, or has high fructose corn syrup (etc), those things slip into our diet on a daily basis. How can we give such foods to our daughter, who up until this point has been fed the purest foods available? Is this a normal thing to struggle with?
We are trying to overcome this dilemma, and perhaps it will end up being an encouragement to Jeremy and I to do even better with our eating habits. But for now - Lily is thoroughly enjoying her favorite solid foods: grilled cheese, edamame, Veggie Booty, SC peaches, VA apples, etc, and she even had spaghetti and homemade bread last night for the first time! (She liked the bread... not so much the spaghetti.)
Lily goes through phases where she'll figure out how to do something, and then forget for a long time. Like this funny face in all the above pictures - she did it for 15 minutes or so one morning and hasnt done it since! I hope she never remembers how to grit her teeth!

Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.

--Frederick Buechner

Instincts? Yes, Instincts.

I am increasingly fascinated by the things that Lily does without any instruction, like the tongue action in the above video - a more pronounced, comical version of her newborn "hunger cues". It is amazing that she came out of the womb able to nurse and that she can now move her tongue like this to draw in some of the food that will inevitably be all over her face. There are a hundred things in between her birth and this and to come that remind me of instincts. At times, I feel like I dont know what the in the world I am doing, and I catch myself subconciously waiting for my mom to swoop in and take over (with an encouraging "good try honey"), because she is, after all, a REAL mother. :)

Mostly though, I am sane - despite my recent lack of sleep - and can remind myself to listen to what my instincts (a.k.a. gut, a.k.a. still, small voice?) are telling me. For example, we have had a terrible time with sleeping through the night recently. Lily was able to do this at 3 months and kept it up until about 5 months, but something happened and sleeping has gotten progressively worse until I reached an exhausted breaking point earlier this week and called my "lactation consultant". We worked through her "lack of schedule" and eating/nursing habits, and we decided that Lily wasnt getting enough calories in the day, to make a long, complicated story short and simple.

The funny thing about this is...I already knew (subconsciously) what the problem was, but for some reason, I just needed someone else to tell me.

I have learned this lesson, again: I need to be confident in the blood that runs in my veins and confident in the air I breathe. I have many generations of good mothers and strong women in my family tree, and an endless supply of admirable parents literally at my fingertips (my mother, my mother-in-law, all of our grandmothers, aunts and extended family galore, Jen, Yendra, Beth...to name a few), and I need to remember that their blood is the same as mine, and that the air I breathe is the same as theirs.

Of course, there is a place for lactation consultants, instructional books, internet forums, and baby products out the wazoo. But truth be told, I already have the skills and knowledge in me to take care of Lily, and my guess is: all mothers do.