dear lily: kindergarten edition

Dear Lily,

Tomorrow you go to your first day of Kindergarten.  Seems pretty simple when I write it that way - tomorrow you go to Kindergarten for the first time.  A public school for the first time.  An almost entire day away from us, for the first time.  A classroom full of strangers, for the first time.

Really, we've been through this before - I mean, when you started preschool, I had a really hard time.  But then, it was SO great that I loved it for BOTH of us.  I know it will be the same with kindergarten in my head, but my heart is so sad and anxious about leaving you there tomorrow until 2.  (You better believe my phone is fully charged, in case you need me to come get you. You will probably need me to come get you early, right?  Maybe 10ish?  Deal.)

And I fear the years that come after kindergarten as you grow bigger and bigger and farther and farther away from us.   You are fearful of losing me right now and make sure every day, multiple times, that you won't ever have another mommy, that you don't ever have to live in a different house with someone else.  I tell you all the things you want and need to hear, because the truth is, I need to be comforted in that way, too. 

Anyways, your dad and I are a wreck.  I wanted to tell you about this, because we both find it humorous, amidst all these crazy emotions.  His angst about you beginning kindergarten turned into irrational anger today, in a funny way.  For example, he was raving about writing "strongly-worded letters" to the elementary school about not giving us enough information about what your day would be like.  He wanted to know what time you were going to be eating lunch and was absolutely worried to death that you might not have enough time to eat your whole meal.  (You ARE an exceptionally slow eater.)  And where are the bathroom in relationship to her classroom?!? Why don't we know these things?!?

As for me, I've been weepy all day.  I cried this morning after our "last summer cuddle" in bed after we woke up.  This is silly because it's not really our last cuddle.   We did lots of fun things today - like errands.  The highlight (not surprisingly, since errands included the Post Office, bank, and a trip to ETSU) was that your mother participated in the age-old therapy of shopping.  AND, I bought shoes AND a dress.  You jumped A LOT.   I even bought you fast food today, in a completely unnecessary situation, just to completely spoil you.  We shared a fresh-squeezed strawberry lemonade too.  And a vegan chocolate chip scone.  It's the little things.

After dinner tonight, we walked to J's Corner for some ice cream - you pranced the whole way.  Your dad and I started worrying that we hadn't taught you enough - that you wouldn't know the answers to important questions - and started quizzing you on your address and, phone number, etc.  Then, we realized you didn't know what a ZERO was....  We freaked out for a minute, but then we realized we were just a wreck and laughed.  You didn't get it, but knew it had something to do with a zero.

You're really excited and you've been telling everyone you see that you are starting kindergarten.  This morning you saw our sweet elderly neighbor, Ms. Jean, outside and ran out the front door to tell her "tomorrow I am starting kindergarten!"  Then you ran back inside while she was still replying.

I think you're most excited about the lunch we packed this afternoon.  We went to the store and you got to pick out what you wanted, within reason.  You chose a turkey and cheese sandwich, a plum, Annie's cheddar bunnies, and Gummies for dessert.  It was SO exciting to pack your lunch - you even checked on it in the fridge before bed.  

Oh, and picking out your first day of school outfit was super-fun too.  Grandma will LOVE this.  You chose a perfect summer ensemble - a deep red, heavy velvet winter/Christmas dress with a semi-matching black velvet sweater, but "don't worry mom, I will take off the sweater as soon as I get to school!"  I decided that whatever made you feel confident was fine with me.  So off to the first day of school we go, in full winter/holiday garb and flip-flops. 

You understand it's going to be different and fun and that you will get to make new friends. You're a bit nervous, but mostly excited.  Your dad and I are the ones that are a wreck.  He's thinking of calling in sick in the morning so he can come drop you off and I'm planning to sit in the car outside the school all day and cry my eyes out.  I might take a book in case my tears run out, but we'll see. 

I told a friend today that it feels like I am giving you to the world.  She responded: You are giving her the world.   It's all in the way we see things.  We know you will be fine.  Dad and I will be fine too.  It's just the making it through tomorrow and being confident that when I let go of your hand that you will just be your wonderful self.  

We are so proud of you, our little kindergartner.

love, mom (and dad)