Dear Lily: 2013 Addition

Dear Lily,

I am giving you these words shortly after your 6th birthday.  At age 6, you are smart, funny, sassy, girly, and struggling to absorb and practice all the lessons that take a lifetime to learn - to share, to be generous, to love, to focus on the things we can't see, instead of the things we have.  You love all things pink and sparkly, but you also are intrigued by spiders, soccer, and all animals.  You adore your best friends - Bailey, Anna, Elijah, and Molly.  You thrive on the magic of stories and myth - currently, pixies/fairies and unicorns are the stuff of your imagination.  You switched schools this year and are almost reading.  You just started ballet, love fashion (your own), and you LOVE your friends.

It has been an arduous journey for me to 1. acknowledge who you are and 2. nurture the things in you that are different from me.  I think I am doing a good job; I hope and pray everyday that I am doing a good job.  Your dad and I get comments all the time: "Are you SURE this is your daughter?" or "I'm not sure about the DNA here..."  It's all in good fun.  I adore the little girl that you are and have learned SO much from the process of affirming your selfhood in the same way that I want to be affirmed. You are, quite simply, the love of my life.  In your 6th year, we are very connected and I am so grateful that I get to be your mom.   

This year has held some life-altering changes for our family.  We have talked to you about what is happening between your dad and I by using the vocabulary of "changes."  You know that things are shifting and you seem to be aware that your dad doesn't sleep at our house anymore.  We haven't used the vocabulary of divorce yet and you haven't been to where your dad lives.  Dad and I are trying to be SO intentional about doing things the best way possible and to keep what is best for you as our first priority.

Sometimes we disagree about what is best for you and our own desires get confused with your best interests, but at the end of the day, we are doing our best.  It is our deepest fear that this will scar you for life, as our dominant culture tries to make us believe.  However, we both know success stories from divorced families and also emotionally stunted individuals from two-parent families.  I think it's more about how we choose to love each other during this process.

Someday, when you are older, I will share more and more with you of your dad and I's story.  It's a really sad story, in a lot of ways.  But the thing that trumps everything - all the heartbreak and sadness - is YOU.  You were worth all of this.  You ARE worth all of this. 

That's the most important thing - that you understand how loved you are and for you to be able to grow into who you are with the support of your mom and dad as emotionally healthy humans.  I think we are both going to be better people in the long run.

But that doesn't mean this hasn't been the hardest thing I have ever experienced.  Breaking apart something that was supposed to be permanent is an immensely painful, heartbreaking process.  Your dad and I don't agree on many things and we deal with issues in different ways.  We even narrate this story in completely different ways.  Both ways are true.  We are both just doing our best.

It is important for you to know that your dad and I are not opposing forces.  We are both here, for you and for each other.   Others have entered into this situation with the common view that we have to be against each other.  But don't listen to that mindset - we choose to live in a different way.  We try our best to live in a different way.  We do our best.  I hope you grow up with that understanding.

And I hope you know that neither your dad or I are "bad" humans.  We both made mistakes, treated each other badly, and we both, willingly, accept 50% of the blame for our marriage failing.  This is our truth.  It's easier to name a villain and treat that person in a way that is the opposite of love, but I hope that your dad and I are showing the young you that it doesn't have to be this way.  This scenario is applicable in so many areas of life - you can use this lesson at any time: to choose love in the face of the "easier" route of finger-pointing and hate.  But non-love eats you up Lil, I want you to know that.  Love is always the better choice, even though it requires more effort.  I hope that when you look back, you will see that Dad and I are trying to demonstrate this, in real life, in one of the hardest situations imaginable. 

You are so, SO loved.  Everything I do is about you.  Our family is still a family, we are just putting ourselves together in a different shape. 

As you get older, we will be able to share more about this time and navigate the difficulty of divorce together.  I just want you to know that we are doing our very best.  I hope you can learn something about love from this brokenness and maybe something about how to treat people from this journey.  Please know that I am doing the best I can, even though I fail sometimes.

So, round-faced, laughing, jumping, boy-crazy daughter of mine, this is my gift to you, for later.  I want you to be able to see my heart from the distance of time.  I want to share with you and anyone else who reads this blog what I want you to know. God is love and we are the tangible expressions of that love.

Love,
Mom